You fart what you eat

It’s what you’d call a “niche” skill but my old mate Bronxy could sniff what you’d scoffed – well, I’m impressed anyway! I guess we have different values - hello? Designer clothes? What’s wrong with your skin you freaks? Unless you suffer from eczema or anything else that makes you look like muesli, why bother carrying all those clothes around with you? Trust me, you’re an eye-sore compared to us, so nobody’s gonna look at you.

Aaaanyway, as a result of Bronxy’s years in New York he saw many famous farters and this is what he learnt. Forget all that rubbish they teach you in school, this is what you need to know....

• the Dalai Lama’s fond of Mr Whippy (that’s ice cream, not bondage)
• George Dubya’s fond of seamen (I guess he respects the Royal Marines)
• Donald trumps louder but Ivana trumps longer
• Ellen De Generes prefers fish to meat
• Some Jews will allow a sausage past their lips
• The French will eat anything so long as it’s with garlic
• The Koreans will eat anything
• The Chinese favour genitalia flavour
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer drops them like atomic bombs
• Elton John can extinguish a candle in his wind
• Thunderclap Newman released “Something in the air”
• Bette Midler farts like an airhorn but Winona Ryder mews like a kitten (probably a stolen one)
• Martin Luther King had a dream he farted but due to a rare medical condition never actually did
• A bum bandit doesn’t steal your farts
• When astronauts take off their suits there’s one hell of a payload

Is this all true? Who knows. What is truth anyway? Try asking the Creationists about the Theory of Evolution..... (take ear plugs)

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I have another tail...go fetch.