Toddys tips on mud

You should prioritise as follows:

1. The more the merrier: resist the temptation to shake immediately. Instead you should aim for a crowd, but remember mud dries fast so don’t attempt to reach the synagogue in town if you’re crusty on arrival: far better to hit the half-empty Methodist church near the lake and give them a good dousing.
2. Internal confined spaces are always best. Fast-food joints are ideal: they have the added advantage of disgusted diners spilling their drinks in the haste of evacuation and any dropped food is a justified reward.
3. On your way home, try to jump on as many gays as possible: they’re always so well dressed and at worst you’ll get a limp slap. Either way it’s fun to get them shrieking.
4. If you’re in a homophobic neighbourhood then aim for the elderly: there’s no way they can outrun you and you get the satisfaction of knocking them over before you slime them.
5. Try to rub against as many people as possible on your way home but don’t slow down: a moving target’s harder to kick.
6. Once home, avoid wood flooring: too easy to clean. Head straight for carpets and fabrics: anything lighter than a turd is fair game. Be creative: use bold brown strokes like an abstract painting.
7. Cover as much ground as possible: in this instance quantity is better than quality.
8. Do as much of the above as quickly as possible and with a bit of luck you’ll still be wet enough for my favourite, the chocolate fountain – shake that bootie and don’t stop till the screaming stops.
9. If possible get your paws inside some slippers: sure you might have to wait a while for the fruits of your labour, but there’s nothing as smug as delayed gratification.
10. Your paws will stay filthy for quite a while so don’t waste the opportunity to jump up at people and if you get a chance, crash a wedding – head straight for Bridezilla, it’s the Golden Ticket.

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