The Shakers Droppings

He often dropped food, always welcome, but also pills. I’ve stopped eating them, they didn’t agree with me. I suffered various side effects like hypertension, depression, all the kinda stuff my current owner gets when she’s run out of alcohol. The dopamine was worst, it gave me piloerection, which isn’t as fun as it sounds and made my fur stand on end - I looked like a frickin poodle.

Once I mistakenly thought he’d dropped something tasty and being too hasty I swallowed a fridge magnet: Until I crapped it out I’d experience the dawning realization that I was sitting on small coins and other metal objects. It’s no fun when you’re half asleep to adjust your position and attract a speeding tobacco tin to your anus: just imagine The Terminator punching Scooby Doo up the shitter.

He’d also drop things deliberately when his babelicious carer came in, just so she’d bend over + he’d get a flash of her thong, barely masking the bearded oyster. Unless of course she had the painters in, in which case she’d be wearing industrial-strength undies. He’d flay around just to cop a feel of her sweater mittens like a horny octopus. I don’t think he realised they were incompatible species: she was a lickalotopus.

I think it was kinda sweet that he could still occasionally awaken the bacon when he saw her, even though with all that shaking he couldn’t quite finish the 5 against 1 match afterwards. I’m sure, as a dedicated vagitarian she’d be relieved she didn’t "make the bald man cry".