Tails of the unexpected

No doubt you’ve come to this page with unrealistically high hopes. So what was wrong with the other pages? I’ve worked my paws to mere stumps and yet you ingrates have even greater expectations – let me manage them for you. This page is a cop out. I’m not here for your entertainment, I’m doing this coz it’s cheaper than therapy and I’m not allowed on the couch, so instead I’ve stolen some jokes and regurgitated them like some roadkill I shouldn’t have eaten.

Since I brought it up though – the book that is, not the wafer-thin rodent - Great Expectations – as in Charles Dickhead – why is this an iconic book? I guess it’s too close to home for my liking - it features an old crone, Miss Havisham, who never changes her clothes and lives in a house that fails the minimum Health & Safety standards. Sounds like my owner the week before Aunty Flo arrives.

Dickhead does have some great character names in his books. There’s Pecksniff who presumably loves the pong of a schlong, Anne Chickenstalker whose sexuality still baffles me, or Honeythunder a great name for a fart, M’Choakumchild who clearly had the right idea, Mrs Bangham who I like to think was the village tart, Bucket who was a detective but sounds more like a worn snatch, Magwitch: or medical receptionist - you know the sort who sits on her bulging buttocks reading glossy trash and ignoring you when you need a limb sown back on and Gashford, not only a secretary but a bleeding nuisance…..

But that’s enough from me, here’s some stuff from other people….

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Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner.
Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him.
He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed.

The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record because, the trainers say, the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."

Q: How do you make a cat bark?
A: Cover it in petrol, light it and and watch it go...WOOOF

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Q: What do you call a dog with metal balls and no back legs?
A: Sparky

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

Q: How do you make a cat drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer.

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Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a cat.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A Rottweiler.