Posh Spice

Posh, allegedly, got her name as an acronym, I’m not sure how. What I do know is that her Pair Of Silk Highheels gave her bunions – who in their right mind would become a cripple to look better? Ok maybe Sporty Spice would consider it as a last ditch attempt...

To some tho’ she’s a Piece Of Sexy Hiney, if you’re into skeletons, but dem bones don’t produce much of a boner in most – it must be like humping a blow-up doll made of balsa wood + she’d probably snap during foreplay. I’d be worried her elbow might puncture my lung or her bony fingers pierce my scrotum.

She can pretty much hold a tune, but seemingly not a recording contract so if she’s not going to bring home the bacon (or in her case green salad) or guard the house like me (though she could play her records to keep burglars away) then she’s useless and obviously just Preys On Stupid Husband. Man, even eclipses are brighter than that guy.

And what about those tattooes? Heh heh, like so many celebs she’s fallen foul of the oriental humour and some far eastern wiseguy who had to stand on a chair to reach her shoulder has emblazoned her with the cipher Poontang Of Substantial Height. A costly lesson for being pretentious – she Paid Over Several Hundred for the privilege.

She certainly Pisses Off Soccer Hags who wish they were doing David, not that I have any sympathy for those women. They pretend they like football when we all know they’d rather be cooking or fighting their battle against unwanted hair or nagging or bitching to their mates about tails of the past that they can drag up repeatedly and argue about or wishing they had a baby that would truly appreciate them. Women don’t enjoy playing with balls in any way, shape or form and they spoil it for others with their very presence. Go make a call, go to the mall, go anywhere at all, just go.

Yup, I take balls very seriously and unlike many I take Posh quite seriously too, she’s one bad role model and it’s a worry. She must use up more calories than she eats with those countless changes of clothes every day. I’ve chewed sticks with more substance than her. She’s thinner than a Sudanese toddler and I can safely speak for all when I say “I’ll tell you what I want what I really really want”.... I want you to gain 30lbs”

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I have another tail...go fetch.

Toddy’s Top Tip: If you want to gain 30lbs, smoke cannabis.