Paris Hilton

My current owner hates her, but is curiously addicted to her. Every trashy mag gets voraciously read and heckled. Even dogs realise mags can’t hear but my owner shrieks away regardless. I bet her current shag wishes he was a mag. I put it all down to the green-eyed monster – ie, jealousy.... not the mag. The mag is OK! I don’t mean it’s okay, in fact it’s a complete waste of eye-space, I mean it’s name..... oh forgeddit.

Bottom line is I now believe all that I’ve heard so many times, same as advertising. Thanks to Her Indoors watching repeats of Sex In The City I now find I want to swim, run + play tennis without worrying about leakage and I can lose pounds if I eat shredded cardboard. My owner is a sucker for all that health crap, she diets and exercises so she’s as thin as a communion wafer, but not even organically made natural products will ever change that face – it still looks like it needs ironing. At least she doesn’t worry about seepage.

Anyway Paris is young, rich + getting loads and that means she’s a bad person apparently. Fine, but if you disapprove so much why watch One Night In Paris, twice (so that’s Two Nights in Paris?) on YouTube, with the curtains closed and me locked out, but what sounded like a swarm of bees locked in?

The Simple Life and My Best British Friend were also an anathema to her, but she’d avidly watch La Hilton – she’d morph into Hitler with Tourette’s. Apparently the body-hairless heiress is a patronising slag “isn’t she, Toddywoddy”. Cough Ownerwoner. Your “previous” reads like a Who’s Who of losers wearing beerglasses - proof that you don’t see the mantelpiece when you stoke the fire. When you get a facelift and a new hymen we’ll talk again, and I might even listenwisten.

I also gather it’s not alright to drink and drive and you should be ashamed of yourself if you’re caught and go to prison. Presumably you can high five + carry on if you don’t get caught. I would if I had hands – I’ve tried alcohol and thoroughly recommend it.

I can’t imagine how awful it must’ve been in prison. Oh hang on, is that like when you eat whatever they give you whenever they decide to, and you can’t go out when you feel like it? Welcome to my hell of non-opposing thumbs Rich Bitch. So you couldn’t snort quite as much for a while and the muff-diver in C block freaked you out – oh boo hoo.

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Toddy’s Top Tip:

Never trust anyone who’s been to prison. I knew a guy who’d done a stint inside - he’s now one of those reformed characters who rescues dogs and likes helping people with web sites or some shit, all very altruistic, but I bet he’d rather be making a killing on the internet selling soiled underwear to pervs....