Mud

“Mud, mud, glorious mud. Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood” so says the old Flanders & Swann's Hippopotamus Song and I agree.

We are gathered here today brethren to sanctify Dog’s slimey creation. Mmmmm, muddddd! Sure it feels and smells great, but its real value lies in the apoplectic fit it seems to cause humans! A mild-mannered housewife soon turns into a Desperate Housewife with a little planning.

There’s a lake near me that pretty well dries out in the summer and I say pretty advisedly for it is a thing of beauty. The stench of rotten vegetation turns doggy heads and no amount of hollering stops us from answering its siren call. We frolic, we loll, we try to bound but we fall, it thrills, it amuses, it’s the next best thing to procreation. Then we make our way home and that’s where the real fun starts.

Toddy’s Top Tip: Don’t work hard, work smart – once you’ve got a healthy coat of mud you can spread the joy by jumping on other dogs (the paler the better) so they can wreak havoc for you.