Caution

The English have a saying when something’s un-cool it’s pants, and cats are most definitely pants. Hmm, there’s a thought. I’d give my favourite ball to see someone stick their feet down a cat’s mouth and pull those feline fiends up like a pair of furry fanny covers... Heh heh, they wouldn’t be feline so smug then would they?

They drive us dogs to distraction for no particular reason, rather like Arnie Schwarzenegger. How exactly does one schwarz a negger? Diss them? Give the job they want to an albino? Tell them to pull their trousers up properly? Who knows, anyway it’s a stupid name and, of course it’s Austrian – think Hitler. Also, how on earth does a bodybuilder get to decide the policies of one of the richest states in the world? I doubt that protein drinks qualify you for that. Yeh some things are just irritating, but moreso cats.

They walk around, all Rhett Butler, like they just don’t give a dam. Even if you chase them they wait till the last moment before running, like I’m not worth the effort of moving – it’s insulting. They get better food too -- and milk. Excuse me, but how about a bowl of gravy for me to drink? They also get their own entrance --Excuse Me By the way if you want to know how to make a cat flap, just try chucking it off the roof.

So tell me humans, why are they allowed out at night while we’re grounded? It’s plain old discrimination. I tell you, if they were any bigger you wouldn’t tolerate them -- you don’t see lions wandering around spraying litres of pee over your neighbourhood to mark <u>their</u> territory.

They’re also sadistic bastards. Their slavish owners give them everything and then stroke them like they’ve been good, only to have the ungrateful pussies dig their claws in during the ecstasy of it all: that whole “your pain/my pleasure” thing they have going on is just sick.

In fairness though cats can, at least, cause asthma attacks, which is always good for a laugh. If it weren’t for that redeeming feature I’d say shave off their fur and stick ‘em in the freezer. We’ll see how cool they are then. Harsh, maybe, but that’s me: everything’s in white and black, just like me. If you don’t like it... well... tough I guess -- no amount of training’s going to change me. Yep, as we dogs say, life’s a bitch.

Become a member

I have another tail...go fetch.