Farts

Are they the divine Dog’s creation or the work of the devil? That kinda depends on your viewpoint. I love ‘em, unless I pop one when I’m asleep - in the confusion it feels like I’ve had my tushie invaded by a midget’s handshake. Generally though I’d give farting a 9/10 on the Toddy Scale.

Now I know those eco-warriers are worried about cows destroying the ozone layer and have raided ranches with butt plugs but I don’t caaaaare. I love farts and until such time as we all have to wear strap-on vacuum pants I shall enjoy my emissions.

Celebrity dogs, on the other paw, seem to have no capacity for breaking wind: Scooby Doo seemingly scooby doesn’t. Goofy’s always been suspiciously quiet: those ones are the deadliest. And Lassie... nyerrrr.... the jury’s out.

As for celebrity humans I imagine (and I believe it’s legally safe to imagine) that Paris Hilton probably doesn’t fart and I doubt her lapdogs do either (she wouldn’t allow that in a Gucci handbag). I’d like to think Rappers squeak like newborn mice and Jennifer Aniston thunders like a convoy, Mike Tyson’s are barely discernible whereas Sinitta shakes like a quake. Roseanne’s sound like a douche bag emptying, Hannah Montana puffs like cotton candy. Mohammed Ali’s will of course float like a butterfly but sting like a bee. Hmm, does Beyonce bubble a bit? It'd be bootilicious! If I find out I’ll let you know....