David Hasselhof

It’s hard to tell whether he’s dead or alive, what with the orange skin and all the surgery - some say he’s been embalmed. Boy was that was a nail-biter back in May 09 tho’ with all that speculation about alcohol poisoning and is he/isn’t he dead. Err, can we talk? It doesn’t matter either way, he’s an alcoholic so if he ain’t dead yet he soon will be. Dog bless his daughter, she wanted to “help” him so she filmed him trashed on a hotel floor + let the world see it. Ahhh, the things you do for love, I’m touched.

It’s a crying shame he’s an alkie, with all those opportunities to get laid going to waste - when your drinks cabinet has more liquid than your jacuzzi, having sex is like playing pool with a rope.

To have unlimited grinding options as well as (albeit misguided) adulation and still blow it makes you a loser big time. True they still like him in Europe, but then they thought highly of many a dictator like Thatcher or Mussolini for a while.

Another loser factoid: his comeback concert was overshadowed on the same night by the greatest car-chase in history when good ol’ OJ stole the limelight. I bet the Hoff got pissed that night.

Obviously the man’s a complete tit, but in his defence he does parody himself, so that saves me the trouble. Furthermore he revived Baywatch and attributed its success thus: "I believe the camera photographs your aura, and it also photographs your heart........ even Pamela Anderson... has got a great heart."....... Sure Dave, that’s what it was. Nothing to do with “like attracts like”: in this case tits’n’tits.

Oh Pammy baby, now my lipstick’s out – talk amongst yourselves while I go fire the custard canon....